I am
by Luminae
Summary: My thoughts on remus's thoughts after OoTP angsty RLNT


I am  
  
A/N I'm watching my little sister and thats always annoying I think I'll write an angsty thinger  
  
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I am Remus Lupin. I am a Were wolf. I am alone.  
  
The others don't think I am alone. They all suffer too. Not like me. I face my own struggles. I am not stoic like they think. I feel too. I feel hurt, despair, depression.  
  
They think they understand.  
  
They don't. They never will. They think they can pressure me into happiness. They can't. I won't cave to their antics. I am different. I am the population in the land of despair.  
  
I do not pity myself. I don't know why. I should. I could, but I won't.  
  
Pity would allow me to get better. I want to stay sad. I want to stay alone.  
  
People don't think I'd like to be alone. They bother me. The whole order thinks it's fine and dandy to pester me. Like that Tonks.  
  
She sits and waits. She only understands the half though. She's different too. She mirrors my face. Literally. she acts as a carbon-copy  
  
  
  
She'll never understand the whole.  
  
Molly says staying couped up like this isn't good for me. The twins joke I'll die from lack off movement. I hope so. I want to crawl back under my rock and be erased.  
  
I want everyone to forget there ever was a Remus J. Lupin.  
  
I want to die. I dont want to bleed. Bleeding let's you know your alive. I don't want to see anymore blood. We never saw blood, just the flash of a curse.  
  
I see it. I dream. The curse goes slow it let's me see. it peels away the life. Sucking out everything. I shudder from the thought. It doesn't frighten me. It shows me reality.  
  
Harry thinks the killing curse that he has seen is painless. I know the truth. It hurts bad. That's not enough though. It's too quick for suicide.  
  
Us suicide types like to draw out the pain. That's the point you know.  
  
Like cutting. I would try but these gits stop me every time. It's Tonk's doing. I know it is. I try to tell her to go away. No body ever does. Nobody listen's to me.  
  
Not even my best friend did. He died because he wouldn't listen.  
  
I was always the voice of reason. They don't know my reason but I want them to let me die. 'Oh we love you Remus, don't do this to yourself.' They lie.   
  
You cannot love a werewolf. They are dark. Love is for the light.  
  
Tonks is back again. She tells me I am speaking this aloud. I don't care. Maybe if they'd hear me they listen. They never do. I doubt they will. If they did I'd be dead.  
  
I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be numb. Dead people are numb. Souls aren't. I could float away. Be happy with my deceased friends.  
  
"Suicides a sin. You'd go to Hell." She says.  
  
I'd go to hell anway. I'm damned eternally incase you've forgotten. Do try to think before you speak. Besides I'd see Sirius in Hell. He never repented. Never. He was rarely sorry for what he did.  
  
"Don't say that damnit! Don't speak ill of the dead."  
  
They spoke ill of me. Damnit why won't she listen! I'm tired of this I want to be free of this world. Gone. GO AWAY. Leave me to die. Leave me to wallow.  
  
"Then just kill your bloody self. Maybe your right I can't love a werewolf he's to damn selfish. Oh woe is fucking me the world's out to get me everyone's lieing to me. They don't care. Then why the hell am I still here! Merlin's ball's! Atleast use that bloody brain of yours you stupid prat. I'm not out to get you. Your out to get me."  
  
Fine then. Be that way. You love me. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm-...............  
  
What in Hell's name and my reserved spot was that? Damn you woman stop ruining me. Leave me alone. I want to stay like this. I want to be stupid I want to be alone. Don't you understand.  
  
"Some of us people call it a kiss. I guess your still alive, your lips are warm."  
  
Why don't you just curl up in a hand basket and go to hell.  
  
"I will but I'm still waiting for you to head on down and hold the door open."  
  
Cynical bitch. Why don't you go eat dinner. Molly's calling. Go. I want to starve to death. I haven't ate in four days. Sooner or later I'll just pass out and croak from lack of nutrition.  
  
"Get up. Your eating. That's that. Look Lively MAN!"  
  
Leave me alone. I swear. You don't know what desperate people will do...  
  
"to get into people's pants?" she adds to infuriate me further.  
  
Why yes that's exactly what. LEAVE ME ALONE. DON'T YOU KNOW THESE STEPS HURT!  
  
"BLOOD TRAITORS. FILTHY HALF-BREEDS LEAVE MY ANCESTORAL HOME. LEAVE THE GREAT HOUSE OF BLACK AND KILL THAT MUD-BLOOD ON THE WAY OUT."  
  
SHUT UP YOU WRETCHED WOMAN. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.   
  
"incendio."  
  
burn you wicked bitch burn. quick. stop dragging me in there. I canwalk. I have feet. I AM NOT A CHILD DAMN YOU.  
  
"you act like one." hermione says. she pretends to be calm and collected. She thinks I don't know. She should just tell the others. Everyone loved Sirius, they don't know how she means.  
  
"Damn you you bastard how could you tell!"  
  
Hermione's gone. I'm still talking out loud.  
  
*CRACK*  
  
Tonk's has slapped me. She says I am insane. I know. The stars died and so did my sanity. I like it better this way. Your walls fall down and when people try to protect you so do you. Maybe I'll die from how far up I'll fall. I want to hit rock bottom. there they'll be too afraid to come find me.  
  
"Damn it man. Eat." The others stare on in silence. "I like the thoughts of death too. I'll come down and find you."  
  
What did she say? I don't know.. everythings going fuzzy. Where's the light. It's still over me. Saying something. I feel faint. maybe I'll just take a little nap. That light'll wake me up...  
  
Finis  
  
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OKai then. That was invigorating. I'm tired it's quater past eleven. I've got schooly ooly fooly cooly tommorrow and It'll be hell to pass out first day in Ms. Lombardey class.   
  
Tell me whatcha think. Bai bais. 


End file.
